Ever since I did the Eponaquest Apprenticeship and I met you, I wanted to do a workshop with you.
I decided to come to the Trust workshop in November because I really missed working with the horses this way. I felt that I really needed to continue the journey of self-development and the “way of the horse.”
Through this workshop I experienced that it is ok to trust others (i.e. people and not only animals) – and I was “received” when I was open and honest, and I really stayed in my vulnerability. It was surprising and at the same time a very good feeling!
One of my goals for the workshop was to face my fears (and panic) and my intention was to stay with my fear without “leaving” physically (by not participating) or by dissociating. I knew that it did not work the old way and it would not be possible just to manage everything by myself. I needed a new strategy – to seek help and support.
I faced my always underlying shame (there is something wrong with me) and opened myself to the group. It was a wonderful experience to be met, held and supported by the facilitator and the other participants.
I learned that relationships could be ok. It can actually feel good and safe to interact with humans (and not only animals…). It is possible for me to do that and still be relaxed and not on guard. I experienced (and not only know as a theory) that it is ok to feel vulnerable and in fact a release to share it with others, in a safe space.
Regarding my goal; I experienced that I was able to stay in challenging situations without “disappearing”, knowing that if I made a fool of myself (or even dissociated) that it would also be “ok”. In other words, I felt safe to experience “whatever”, something very new for me!
I am grateful, Rosie, for your support and for your emphasis that it would be ok to “not manage” and not do the tasks, not only to me but the whole group. I learned the importance of just staying with the experience, trusting the process and learning from it. Everything turned out so well that I missed out on my other goal – to make a total fool of myself and stay with that too! (However, I guess life will provide another opportunity to do that eventually!)
I experienced that it can be safe to trust others and feel the strength in staying with the vulnerability and be honest about it.
It was very good for me to repeat the Emotional Message Chart. It was a reminder to be more curious about the message behind the emotion, and the action to take (not only to be aware and accept the emotion). I was reminded that I also need to work on “changing something according to the message” and to ask for support to do that when needed. Again, a reminder that I do not have to do everything alone, and that it is a sign of strength and “good mental health” to be able to ask for help and to receive it when offered.
I experienced an overall feeling that it is ok to be me – the real me. I can be received and accepted with everything; fear, vulnerability, etc. and experience the difference in the relationship with others when I can be “all of me”.
Working with Gianni I realised that it is ok to repeat setting boundaries. Sometimes it is necessary, and it does not have to mean that I do something wrong or not well enough, as long as it feels ok. I learned to trust the connection and my inner guidance. It feels different in the body when I do not set my boundaries clearly enough, and when I have to repeat because “the other” needs a reminder.
During the horse activities I was reminded of the importance of being vs doing. It is not important whether I do things well or not, it’s about being ‘with all of me’ in the connection, having fun and enjoying. This was a great reminder to set time in my everyday life to “not do anything” together with the horses! I realise that I miss, and need, more “horsetime”, the timelessness when not thinking of what to do next.
Collaborating with another participant to achieve the goal with Paddy was a great experience of working together! I chose to be open and honest about my fears and was received completely, and felt that it was even appreciated! A great balance of taking responsibility for our self and taking care of each other at the same time. I stayed put and enjoyed it! Even though it did not go as planned I did not feel guilt and shame! We had fun together – horses and humans, without performance anxiety! A wonderful experience!
Since the workshop I have been having more fun with my horses too, allowing myself to explore, try something new etc. Some of my old beliefs are not so strong, the experiences that I got in the workshop have proved them wrong! More hope for the future!
I highly recommend the Trust workshop. Rosie, you are great at holding a safe space for the participants.